How Life is NOT Like Apple Cider

There are those who might argue (erroneously) that life is, in many ways, like apple cider. It is in this essay that I seek to prove these misinformed people wrong.

As a sidenote, it's good to be back. It turns out that taking several writing classes at once in which you're forced to produce material that you are uninterested in can give you a temporary aversion to writing. This resulted in a semester-long bout with writer's block, which is interesting because this time of uncreativity came in sharp contrast to a pile of preceding prolific periods. Which brings me to my first point.

1. Life, unlike apple cider, is heterogeneous.

You may have some months of good writing, and you may have some months of no writing. Now, those clinging to the ciderassimilitude theory... wait just a second... Firefox's spell check accepted "ciderassimiltude" as a valid word. Interesting. See point two for further notes... anyway, like I was saying, those clinging to the ciderassimilitude theory may argue that mulled cider and chilled cider alike may retain granules of apple precipitate. However, the presence of these minor granules cannot be compared to the vast possibilities and changes that happen within even one year of an average person's life.

2. Life, unlike apple cider, is surprising.

If life were like apple cider, words like "ciderassimilitude" would not be accepted by spell check. Apple cider is predictable. Although there are different variations of cider, one generally can predict what a cup would taste like to a relatively accurate degree. If the prediction proves invalid, a single taste is more than enough to predict the flavor of the remainder of the cup. Life, however, is filled with warm sips, cold sips, pleasant sips, and gross sips. A more intelligent person might argue that life is in many ways like a cup of worms and chocolate sprinkled with packets of Icy Hot. Of course, no intelligent person would conceive of such nonsense.

3. Life, unlike apple cider, is made of people.

Without people, without interactions, without love or awkwardness, life is just existence. People are the essence of life, and apple cider contains 0% people. Fact.

4. Life, unlike apple cider, is a four-letter word.

This is a matter of basic mathematics. "Life" is spelled with four unique letters, while apple cider is spelled with six unique letters and two reiterated letters, totaling ten letters overall. Ours is a world bound by physics and asthmatic principle. Distances and weight can be calculated and predicted, added together and subdivided. It is this elementary fact that makes life in the universe possible (not to mention architecture, astronomy, engineering, automobile manufacturing, farming, animal hygienics, ash-tray modeling, gymnastics, painting, timber processing, union organization, political science, and poker). Because of this undeniable truth, it is impossible to say that a four-letter word is in any way similar to a ten-letter pair of words.

5. Finally, life, unlike apple cider, contains both emotion and intelligence.

Anyone who argues that apple cider is intelligent is pants-on-head retarded. Anyone who argues that apple cider is emotional probably owns too many cats.

I believe that by now I've proven beyond a whiff of doubt that life and apple cider can in no way be regarded as analogous. Although it is true that both are nice to have in front of a fire during a cold January day, there are no other rational connections between the two. Those who have previously postulated otherwise would do well to right their views as gracefully as humanly possible.